It seems to be somewhat stereotypical that college students are tired, but it has never been suggested that college students are generally the most exhausted. That position is reserved for mothers, nurses, and night-shift workers, respectively. Numerous studies have been conducted about the exhaustion of these three positions. I would like to conduct a fairly narrow study that considers only the exhaustion of graduate assistants. This study is primarily an introspective study where the testee and the tester are one and the same, though it does not necessarily follow that the behaviors and actions of other exhausted graduate assistants have not affected my conclusions. I have determined that there are at least ten stages of exhaustion that graduate assistants experience. Please note that these stages are not necessarily consecutive. While I may move from one stage to the next as the days of sleepless nights increase, another person may skip one stage, or progress through the stages in a different order. Some people may never experience one certain stage.
Stage 0 – Normal – This stage is the stage of normal behavior, which must be determined by an extended study of a subject who is unaffected by any kind of stimulant (i.e., coffee) and who has attained the prescribed amount of sleep, and not more, for an extended period of time. This stage may frequently be confused with other stages of exhaustion because it is so infrequently observed that normal behavior becomes abnormal.
Stage 1 – Oversleep -This stage occurs when the subject has slept more than is necessary. No conclusive studies could be conducted on this stage because it occurs rarely in graduate assistants. It is generally characterized by confused tiredness. The subject, expecting the extended sleep to revitalize him, is confused by the tiredness he feels. No behavioral studies on the effects of this confused tiredness have been conducted.
Stage 2 – Uncommon Sense – This is the first stage of exhaustion caused by lack of sleep. It is caused by the subject’s reduction of the normal amounts of sleep. It is characterized by the sudden lapse of judgement in the actions and reactions of the subject. The subject may still be able to apply common sense, but it is usually delayed. The subject may perform an action and realize immediately after that the action should not have been performed.
Stage 3 – I Can Speaks Good – Speech and writing impediments appear in the third stage of exhaustion. Stage 3 is caused by an extended reduction of normal sleep amounts. The longer the reduction persists, the less the subject is able to communicate coherently. This stage may induce suitably hilarious results. It also applies to the ability to solve simple math problems and the logical progression of conversations.
Stage 4 – Hyper Tired – Studies have yet to be conducted by the researcher on the chemical affect on the brains of exhausted graduate assistants, but behavioral studies have shown that, following a continued reduction of normal amounts of sleep by a sudden reduction of sleep amounts, the subject will experience an unusual boost in energy. For instance, if seven hours were the normal amounts, and the subjects has reduced sleep hours to five for several days, and then sleep hours are reduced to two or three, then the subject may expirience stage 4 of exhaustion. This stage is accompanied by a marked reduction in ability to concentrate on any single task. All tasks must be completed in ten minute intervals. Subjects in this stage may take up to five hours to complete a single ten page reading assignment, alternating one minute of reading with ten minutes of Pinterest and/or Facebook.
Stage 5 – Emotional Basketcase – The researcher of this experiment has no firsthand experience with this stage, but it has been observed in other subjects. It may be an off-shoot of stage 4, with similar causation, or it may be caused by an extended significant reduction in sleep time. It should be avoided – subjects tend to alternate between several emotional extremes.
Stage 6 – Anger Management – The researcher has little to no firsthand or secondhand experience with this stage. Its existence is known but unstudied. Usually those suffering from stage 6 are avoided, if at all possible. It may also be an off-shoot of stage 4 or 5, with similar causation.
Stage 7 – Fruitecake – The researcher has an abundant amount of first and secondhand experience with this stage. The definite experience of this stage and the absence of the previous two stages has strengthened the researcher’s conclusion that stages 4, 5, 6, and 7 are all variable reactions to the same cause or similar causes. This particular stage may be defined as an extreme form of stage 2. It may share characteristics with stages 2, 3, and 4, but all in extremes.
Stage 8 – Zombie – The researcher has the most firsthand experience with this stage. It is caused by an extended extreme reduction of normal sleep time. Generally, the subject is frequently told that he looks tired or he looks like a zombie. It is characterized by a surprising increase in cognitive ability, but a sharp reduction in motor functions and response time.
Stage 9 – Narcolepsy – The existence of this stage has yet to be confirmed by the researcher.
Stage 10 – Dead – The human body may safely experience the complete absence of sleep for only a limitted time before the body begins shutting down completely. The researcher has no personal or secondary experience with this stage.
Further research may reveal additional stages, but the researcher has only just reached stage 8 of exhaustion, and this expiriment is not complete. The researcher has no intention of completing this experiment nor of seeing it completed. It is hoped that several more stages exist between stages 8 and 10.
Also, yes, it’s paper writing season. Why do you ask?